Chap 10: It's All In The Mind

Chap 10: It's All In The Mind

"Dreams are broken and hope is lost,
And your verve seems to faint;
You fall down and ask why?
God, why do I have to trod?"

            The night was still young and the weather was considerably below, the view was pristine and ethereal and the sound of the gushing water was mingled with the sound of the raindrops outside the cave, it had been some fifteen minutes that the downpour began abruptly. He sat besides Ada deep in thought contemplating whether to let go or let things be as they are? He eyed her tranquil form, her face radiated calm and innocence.

           He spoke after long, "I'm tired and I've become a wreck, this feeling each and every emotion is eating me up and it's affecting me not only physically and mentally but also emotionally. I very well know this is the past, a past which has done no harm to me or someone else in direct respect yet it doesn't seem to leave me; it comes in front of me the moment I try to move on and let go but yet again I'm trapped in the shackles of my past and it still haunts me. It's just I've spun too many lies and literally lived a lie just to protect myself and now I'm just tangled in this web of deception where I've lost myself. He took a deep breath before continuing further, Love a feeling that everyone experiences in their lifetime platonic or otherwise, it has its own aura. I believed in it from the bottom of my heart and soul though not a hopeless romantic but the one who saw the brighter side of things, even you didn't know about this hid it so very perfectly but then something happened and changed me completely; shattering me into pieces that were seeming difficult to join and made me weak. That was the time I would cry and let out silent tears in the hope of blocking all this from my mind but as they say, Somethings get etched in your mind and no matter what you do it's impossible to erase it out all by yourself. My tears stopped and from then on I became this arrogant self and hid myself deep inside, dreaded to come forward to talk to people including you and started to distance myself from everyone and went miles apart but maybe I never really could go."

            He let out a sigh before moving forward, "This hiding and fearing all of it began whilst I was in fifth grade when I was merely a ten year old, an age when kids play and have fun and frolic but here I was hiding deep within myself maybe not knowingly but unknowingly. If, you remember this is the time when my parents separated, we were small to understand the hidden meaning and accepted all that was told to us and never questioned back. I felt my dad was the best and loved mom deeply, Oh! What a fool I had been to believe in such crap. From then on I was in my father's care, was I really? Days passed by and life moved on once again though not in the usual way but it had. I remember vividly how dad would come late in the night with different girls every different night, but I couldn't muster up enough courage to ask why so? As years passed by I recoiled more into my shell and reduced interaction with others even my best buddies Sameer and Gaurav were clueless in regards to my behavior but none questioned me beyond a limit; you and mom were my only friends whom I could confide in completely (pause) Coming to mom I still remember my birthdays as that was the only time she met me and that would be the happiest day unlike now. Slowly and steadily I started to know my dad and his affairs and since then I don't like him , hate is too strong for a word I can't hate him for he is the very reason of my existence."  

          Zaid looked into her eyes once again and they reassured him, giving him strength to open up.

         "I was fifteen; soon to be sixteen in a matter of  few weeks when my life changed drastically, all the joys and happiness turned into sorrow as vile overshadowed the innocence that lingered. It was an unusual day in many respects, it was the day when I realized my love for you, you will not imagine how happy I was and was waiting impatiently to confess to you and also mom visited me that day and my joy doubled and I was overwhelmed unable to contain my joy, she was the first one to know and was ecstatic to hear this from me and my initial worry of seeing her two weeks prior to my birthday left me as she gifted me a diary to pen down my precious moments who knew it would be otherwise, that the calmness that prevailed was an indication of chaos in the future? (pause) I heard the door knob turn and saw my drunk father, not a new sight but what shocked me was that he was alone and that too home this early and that frightened me as mom was home. It didn't take him time to realize this fact and he started hurling verbal abuses and even tried to kiss her forcefully, not caring that his fifteen year old is in the vicinity, I tried stopping him but my attempts were futile. I guess he had lost his sanity that day and was physically assaulting mom in front of my eyes how could I stand that? I tried to inter-wine and stop all this but all in vain as he was crossing his limits. It was too much for me to stand and I was about to call the police when I heard a thrashing sound, I turned back to see he had jerked my mom away and she crashed into a nearby glass table and more-so the shattered pieces penetrated her forehead and she was surrounded in a pool of blood, I couldn't stand that sight yet controlled the rage that was bursting in me. I tried calling the doctor and kept on caressing her and assuring her that all will be fine but before the doctor could arrive, she went away  in the most unexpected way, the one person I loved from my heart and soul, the very existence of my being had gone forever; leaving me alone in this ruthless world. My most happiest day turned out to be one the gloomiest days of my life."

         It seemed as if time stood still, the clouds were roaring louder and the rainfall didn't seem to stop nor Ada's tears which were suppressed for long as she was too shocked to respond. He spoke yet again his voice laden with choked emotions, "No one knows about this not a single soul; and the guilt of not being able to prove anything troubled me as my father roamed like a free bird and I was rendered helpless. I started hating him more than I did before, I turned rude and arrogant and also started believing in the fact that nothing called as love exists it's mere lust; lust that cost my mother her life. (pause) My father died of cirrhosis three years back as you all know and this is the very reason I didn't even come to attend his funeral nor did any last rights on my part. Come to think of it, I'm glad my mom is no more or else even after years of separation she would have had too fulfill and cater to my father's desires and demands. She was an orphan and didn't want me to be one and so she bared the brunt of her husband."

        Ada went numb listening to all this and tears were still spilling, she was shocked beyond belief and words failed to escape. She hugged Zaid tightly not wanting to let go of him and take all his pain away for she knew it was not easy to forget and let go, Zaid hugged her back he couldn't control himself and broke down in her arms completely.

        They seemed to have lost track of time and place and were in each others embrace for long. She had to be there for him; she couldn't leave him alone this time and has to be strong, not just for herself but Zaid too.

"I know it ain't that easy,
To cry in the night and wear a smile at morn,
I sigh and let out a small plea to the God above,
To help me forget and move on,
And give me strength and trod all along."  

 

Chap 7: Melancholy

Chap 7: Melancholy   

"It was one of those dark and gloomy nights when she felt creeps and a shiver ran down her entire body, and she trembled like a kid who just had an encounter with a deadly spirit; a ghost....much more frightening and ghastly. Neither could she cry in pain nor sob in peace...her words were muffled and tears  were chocked behind her eyelids; she was unable to utter a word out of fear....her condition was heart-wrenching.
She was not worried about her own self but about her beloved child....whom she loved more than anything in the world, her joys her happiness and even her desire to escape and taste freedom were all secondary in front of her child. She would face all odds, go through worst but would never let anything harm her kid.....she vowed to protect and give her kid a comfortable and secure life. She was helpless but not weak and timid....her will power was far more than anyone could imagine.


          It was a dark and dingy room barely any light penetrated through the small window. The wind blew aimlessly and caressed her hair which were let loose...Her fragile body was recognizable even in the dim moonlight; her waist long hair had lost their sheen and luster...dark circles framed her eyes and blots of blood decorated her lips, yet there was no trace of a single tear nor a remorseful look...she sat there motionless...her innocence had been tarnished and taken away from her a long time back.

         The full moon night, the dim moonlight penetrating her abode and the humming of the nightingale didn't seem to relax her and give her peace; the more she thought of  soothing herself the more ruffled she became. Just the thought of him..sent shivers down her spine ...when he was around she felt horrid and weird and terrible...his words sounded lusty and his touch filthy. He approached her like a feral animal ready to pounce on it's innocent prey. Every time he entered the room it was just for one purpose.....to satisfy his hunger ..for his carnal pleasures. He didn't care about her neither her well being...nor did he care for the fact that she was his wife and the mother of their child....she was trapped....trapped in this deceptive and cruel world where life was worst then hell...and crushed between the palms of her ruthless and heartless husband......
The noise of footsteps were heard again and her heart pounded loudly against her chest and the sound grew louder and louder as it started reverberating in the closed walls of the house...making her recoil more.

          "You filthy little creature...how dare you hide yourself away from me?? Why are you shying away sweetheart ?? Can't you see your beloved husband has come to meet you darling !! won't you greet me with pleasure ??", his voice barked
 and she was shaken more to the core........finally after a few seconds later gathering courage she spoke.....
"Oh! you feral man...you've stooped so very low, that you no longer even have the right and honour to call yourself my husband...I'm just an object for you, ain't I ?? Come to me when desired and then leave me...I'm not helpless nor am i whore as you consider me as...I'm just silent for the sake of my child...not more than that................"                         before she could continue any further there was a sound of thud, he slapped her across her face and engulfed her within his strong arms...and ripped clothes off her with an air of impatientness and wickedness......and her cries and pleas went unheard............."                                                                                                                                                                    

  Mom! ..... 

Zaid jerked out of his sleep and was panting and breathing heavily...minutes later his breath came back to normal and he pondered over his nightmare....No it was not a mere nightmare but a harsh and brutal reality that his mother had undergone.....his mother loved his dad unconditionally leading her life in forlorn hope that he'll amend his ways and change....yes he changed; but not for better but for worst.....Zaid had witnessed more such incidences as he grew up and they got etched on his  young mind...making him believe nothing called love existed in this world just mere lust...off course with the passage of time this veil was uncovered; but yet deep down he had the fear...and he trailed into his thoughts.....
 

        " I don't trust myself Ada...what if I hurt you ?? what if your pained  after knowing the truth ?? No I can't .....I can't see your heart rip into pieces and shatter ....I just can't admit to you.....yes 'I Love You'  more than you can imagine...more than my heart and soul; but I can't risk our friendship our the friendship we had back then...by telling you..I can't keep our friendship at stake and that's the only reason for my ice cold behavior towards you....I can't let you know my feelings and desires when I know you'll never love me; I'm just a dear and special friend to you.......", sighed Zaid as he finally gave way and let out his long lost emotions...
          
         But what he didn't know was Ada too loved him unconditionally and he by his cold attitude was himself drifting the love of his life apart.....
All he hoped now was the wedding day to approach soon....three days......they seemed like three years or more so....and then he would leave never to return again...never to disturb Ada's calm and unperturbed life! and let destiny take it's own course.

Chap 6: Longing

Chap 6: Longing

              Two days went by peacefully since the engagement ceremony took place and yet so many ceremonies were lined up all in a very traditional Indian manner; ranging from mehendi, haldi and so many more to come left everyone panting.

              
           Everyone teased the couple and they just blushed wherein others just grinned and enjoyed to the hilt. Amidst all these wedding preparations and ceremonies one thing was still troubling Gaurav; he had noticed Zaid's behavior over the past few days he didn't seem the same person he was back there in Mumbai, even zoya sensed this abrupt change in her friend though she didn't know much about him and his past life here it still worried her as he was jovial at one time and detached the another. Even Preet and Muskaan were discussing the same regarding Ada and Zaid …Sameer too was startled at his sister's behavior and that started to worry him more than anything else; he was noticing her since Zaid arrived and it was more evident and clear during the engagement ceremony two days back. What could be the matter that it affected them to this extent?? Why do these guys run away from their "so called problem" and not confront each other and sort it out?? Everyone seemed to be in a dilemma ….

              Zaid and Ada could feel the tension brewing between them, no words but awkward silence…they yearned to speak to each other and break the bonds of silence which was drifting them apart; yet none spoke to each other. They satisfied the longing of their hearts by stealing glances while the other didn't seem to notice…In fact it would be true to say they hadn't spoken to each other since a very long time which could be traced back to the time when Zaid left Darjeeling when he was eighteen years old. 

              At times, Ada seemed to act more mature than Zaid though she was two years younger to him; yet today she too behaved indifferently by not giving way to her feelings and long lost desires just like him. This silence and non-verbal gestures were killing both of them silently despite all of this none resorted to verbalization and opening up and resolving the conflict… they waited for the other to break the ice but it didn't seem to happen anytime soon. Over the passing of years both seemed to become cold and strong headed wherein, they were still vulnerable at heart; and could not gather courage to speak up thinking what the other might feel or think….. 

                Deep in the far corner of her room, Ada kept on staring the moonless sky admiring the beauty of night; so peaceful and calm…the pure enchanting beauty of darkness captivated her and gave her a deep sense of belonging-ness and peace within. She didn't feel lonely and creepy at night like most do but found solace as the darkness engulfed her and at last she let her tears spill uncontrollably.….didn't even try to stop them…and slipped into her world of thoughts, "Tears well up in my eyes for a fictional character who is in pain…tears also threaten to spill when my dear friends are hurt and are in pain….but these tears don't well up in my eyes that easily when I'm hurt; it would be an understatement to say that I don't cry…. I do cry; occasionally for everyone but very rarely for my own self…I've merely got used to people hurting me and taking me for granted for my patient, understanding and caring nature…it's not they took me for granted but I let them take subconsciously and then leaving me on cross roads from where I don't know where to go which path to take; I'm stranded all alone…but life has taught me better; more than it should have… I've stopped answering people be it my brother or my best friends and other people who pity on me when there is no need for it I've ignored these people long back and I've moved on with life and I'm enjoying every bit of it… I don't wallow over things like I used to back in my teenage years, nor do I wear my heart on my sleeve…. back then my friends felt I'm lying to them…but no I was not I never have, I was and today too I'm vulnerable to them can't hide my pain in front of my dear buddies; well now they have finally understood I've changed and that too for good! And no matter how much ever I try running away from these feelings and emotions I'm unable too; but with the passage of time I've learnt not to showcase my emotions and heart felt desires and to plaster a smile on my face; so that none come to know I'm still vulnerable and still the same girl at heart though changed a lot…I can't let go of myself …can't bear another heartbreak ", thought Ada as she silently cried not thinking why this happened to her?? She had stopped questioning herself and God a long time ago….but today she was forced to question again…why? Why did he have to come back in her life and behave so indifferently with her?? …it was making matters much more complicated, she sighed and rested her head on the wall nearby ; She needed to be strong, she couldn't lose herself to him…she would gain nothing but pain and sorrow and more silent mute tortures. She had fallen for a man who didn't believe in love; for whom love is just a mere game….girls love him for his looks and money; nothing simply nothing called love existed in his life. Little did she know how wrong she was…the man did believe in love; much more than she did but did not trust and believe his own self and destiny…..

                Down in the drawing room everyone else sat discussing this issue …it was more important than the marriage. But alas! It felt as if they too had given up and were now tired and also had given up hope to reunite the two friends and left matters in the hands of destiny; when the people concerned were not ready to let go and confront they as friends also couldn't do much…how much to try and make them understand to talk to each other, bury the hatchet and embrace the future…but now their thoughts rested only on one thing as to what didn't happen in eight years nor in these three week could not happen in the last week too but then maybe…maybe destiny had some other plans….you never know until the right time comes….

P.S: Zaid is 26 and Ada is 24…..do not get confused.