Chap 10: It's All In The Mind

Chap 10: It's All In The Mind

"Dreams are broken and hope is lost,
And your verve seems to faint;
You fall down and ask why?
God, why do I have to trod?"

            The night was still young and the weather was considerably below, the view was pristine and ethereal and the sound of the gushing water was mingled with the sound of the raindrops outside the cave, it had been some fifteen minutes that the downpour began abruptly. He sat besides Ada deep in thought contemplating whether to let go or let things be as they are? He eyed her tranquil form, her face radiated calm and innocence.

           He spoke after long, "I'm tired and I've become a wreck, this feeling each and every emotion is eating me up and it's affecting me not only physically and mentally but also emotionally. I very well know this is the past, a past which has done no harm to me or someone else in direct respect yet it doesn't seem to leave me; it comes in front of me the moment I try to move on and let go but yet again I'm trapped in the shackles of my past and it still haunts me. It's just I've spun too many lies and literally lived a lie just to protect myself and now I'm just tangled in this web of deception where I've lost myself. He took a deep breath before continuing further, Love a feeling that everyone experiences in their lifetime platonic or otherwise, it has its own aura. I believed in it from the bottom of my heart and soul though not a hopeless romantic but the one who saw the brighter side of things, even you didn't know about this hid it so very perfectly but then something happened and changed me completely; shattering me into pieces that were seeming difficult to join and made me weak. That was the time I would cry and let out silent tears in the hope of blocking all this from my mind but as they say, Somethings get etched in your mind and no matter what you do it's impossible to erase it out all by yourself. My tears stopped and from then on I became this arrogant self and hid myself deep inside, dreaded to come forward to talk to people including you and started to distance myself from everyone and went miles apart but maybe I never really could go."

            He let out a sigh before moving forward, "This hiding and fearing all of it began whilst I was in fifth grade when I was merely a ten year old, an age when kids play and have fun and frolic but here I was hiding deep within myself maybe not knowingly but unknowingly. If, you remember this is the time when my parents separated, we were small to understand the hidden meaning and accepted all that was told to us and never questioned back. I felt my dad was the best and loved mom deeply, Oh! What a fool I had been to believe in such crap. From then on I was in my father's care, was I really? Days passed by and life moved on once again though not in the usual way but it had. I remember vividly how dad would come late in the night with different girls every different night, but I couldn't muster up enough courage to ask why so? As years passed by I recoiled more into my shell and reduced interaction with others even my best buddies Sameer and Gaurav were clueless in regards to my behavior but none questioned me beyond a limit; you and mom were my only friends whom I could confide in completely (pause) Coming to mom I still remember my birthdays as that was the only time she met me and that would be the happiest day unlike now. Slowly and steadily I started to know my dad and his affairs and since then I don't like him , hate is too strong for a word I can't hate him for he is the very reason of my existence."  

          Zaid looked into her eyes once again and they reassured him, giving him strength to open up.

         "I was fifteen; soon to be sixteen in a matter of  few weeks when my life changed drastically, all the joys and happiness turned into sorrow as vile overshadowed the innocence that lingered. It was an unusual day in many respects, it was the day when I realized my love for you, you will not imagine how happy I was and was waiting impatiently to confess to you and also mom visited me that day and my joy doubled and I was overwhelmed unable to contain my joy, she was the first one to know and was ecstatic to hear this from me and my initial worry of seeing her two weeks prior to my birthday left me as she gifted me a diary to pen down my precious moments who knew it would be otherwise, that the calmness that prevailed was an indication of chaos in the future? (pause) I heard the door knob turn and saw my drunk father, not a new sight but what shocked me was that he was alone and that too home this early and that frightened me as mom was home. It didn't take him time to realize this fact and he started hurling verbal abuses and even tried to kiss her forcefully, not caring that his fifteen year old is in the vicinity, I tried stopping him but my attempts were futile. I guess he had lost his sanity that day and was physically assaulting mom in front of my eyes how could I stand that? I tried to inter-wine and stop all this but all in vain as he was crossing his limits. It was too much for me to stand and I was about to call the police when I heard a thrashing sound, I turned back to see he had jerked my mom away and she crashed into a nearby glass table and more-so the shattered pieces penetrated her forehead and she was surrounded in a pool of blood, I couldn't stand that sight yet controlled the rage that was bursting in me. I tried calling the doctor and kept on caressing her and assuring her that all will be fine but before the doctor could arrive, she went away  in the most unexpected way, the one person I loved from my heart and soul, the very existence of my being had gone forever; leaving me alone in this ruthless world. My most happiest day turned out to be one the gloomiest days of my life."

         It seemed as if time stood still, the clouds were roaring louder and the rainfall didn't seem to stop nor Ada's tears which were suppressed for long as she was too shocked to respond. He spoke yet again his voice laden with choked emotions, "No one knows about this not a single soul; and the guilt of not being able to prove anything troubled me as my father roamed like a free bird and I was rendered helpless. I started hating him more than I did before, I turned rude and arrogant and also started believing in the fact that nothing called as love exists it's mere lust; lust that cost my mother her life. (pause) My father died of cirrhosis three years back as you all know and this is the very reason I didn't even come to attend his funeral nor did any last rights on my part. Come to think of it, I'm glad my mom is no more or else even after years of separation she would have had too fulfill and cater to my father's desires and demands. She was an orphan and didn't want me to be one and so she bared the brunt of her husband."

        Ada went numb listening to all this and tears were still spilling, she was shocked beyond belief and words failed to escape. She hugged Zaid tightly not wanting to let go of him and take all his pain away for she knew it was not easy to forget and let go, Zaid hugged her back he couldn't control himself and broke down in her arms completely.

        They seemed to have lost track of time and place and were in each others embrace for long. She had to be there for him; she couldn't leave him alone this time and has to be strong, not just for herself but Zaid too.

"I know it ain't that easy,
To cry in the night and wear a smile at morn,
I sigh and let out a small plea to the God above,
To help me forget and move on,
And give me strength and trod all along."